at the funeral, i watch as the youth file by the casket. i wince. no! not another unused number on the youth chat. not another youth group having to face the death of their peer. personally, i did not know this young man but i no this grief that demolishes normality and leaves a pit deeper than six feet. seeing the youth cling to each other as their friend lies dead in a wooden box, seeing them reach for more kleenexes and hugs, seeing them bite their quivering lip but realizing no amount of self control can stop the burn that's relentlessly rising in the tight throat, i weep for them. i know that grief.
the Bibles says its good to go to the house of mourning. and i see why. there is something about going to a funeral that puts life into perspective. you see touches of Heaven. it makes hearts soft. overall, it can be rich for the soul. I'm glad we went.
i tell casey i want to plan my own funeral now. he discourages the idea. death has this way of prodding every morbid thought into my head. i don't always know what to do with it. i have nightmares of death and more loved ones dying and when i wake up, i always check if casey is still breathing even though i now know i do not own the right to tie loved ones to this earth. but i still have a phobia of my dearest people dying.
i realize this is grief still. i'm still coming to grips with loss. sometimes i focus more on earth's loss than Heaven's gain. i also realize i cannot keep rolling with these thoughts. i need to have a 'come to Jesus moment' . so that happens. and the breeze of freedom whiffs in through the heart's windows and flutters the white curtains. life. life here now, makes me wonder if anymore goodness can be squeezed in. it seems to be wildly abundant. and also the life to come is really the true life. so, here, i will live, with arms wide open until He calls me to His.
and today. a candle is flickering its praise song on the table and light pink roses stand tall in their clear vase. blueberry syrup simmers on the stove. the mop water is murky and cold. towels ask to be folded and the fridge stands ready to be decluttered. its a joy to care for a home.
i have to tell you about my new favorite lil hack,
a website online called Supercook has become a frequented lil spot. you add all your pantry/fridge/freezer ingredients into the website, which does take like half an hour or so, and THEN. are you ready for it? this is the coolest thing! it gives you thousands of recipes you can make just with the ingredients you have already. I get passionate about it every time i talk about it. if i want to use up my fast-browning pears, i just type in ‘’pears’’ and behold. numerous recipes pop up and it says in little tiny words ‘’you have all 11 ingredients’’ and i click on the recipe and tada. i have a pear muffin recipe. over time, you can add or minus ingrediants if needed. check it out. it's quite a lovely invention.
k. i hope you all are doing well. lets uncross our arms and live.
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