broken hearts grow back bigger

on the deck i sit with with the wind and iced cucumber water and a heart that's overflowing

sometimes i cry tears of happiness at this life. at answered prayers. at the gifts God hands to us.

unworthy

folks made a speedy trip down to arkansas for the announcement. it was a blur of a weekend. and it was just lovely.

its been a couple weeks of engagement now. i pray for a clear mind daily because i no my personality is to fling all over but this is so good for me cuz its teaching me self denial. the plan is, im gonna stay down here till middle of october and keep teaching the girls till then. the ranch girls go home second week of october. and then i will boogie to cartwright and be home for 5 weeks before november 24th happens.

suddenly. im researching ironing boards

and saving recipes

and ordering 600 divided plates off amazon.

life cracks me up.

the more that i plan the more i realize needs to be planned and my brain can get overwhelmed, so sometimes i just close the laptop and go find cantaloupe in the fridge to eat instead

and the aching absence of eddie not being on the other side of the phone is there everyday

i thought i was keeping my head on straight until yesterday when i remembered i had a garden i was to be taking care of. totally had forgotten about that little plot of soil. a week of no watering made it look depressed.

.

ranch reunion

last weekend 90 humans gather here for a ranch reunion

at school, i walk in and see

girls that still mean so much to me

always will.

tight hugs.

many familiar faces.

the people here. the heart of it all.

a diverse display of ages and wardrobe and culture and skin color and stories

and yet we are a whole lot more the same than different actually

we are not strangers

to how bloodily cruel life can be sometimes.

we've all been touched by healing

to some extent.

at some point, we all have had a warped view on life and logic and love.

some eyes are still clutching sadness. some souls are open more to light than ever. some wounds are still infected.

and we all are still figuring things out.

i don't sense judgement.

there is so much

c a r e

in that room.

i smile at some things. many are carrying their personal water bottles around with them everywhere. a ranch thing.

and people all take care of themselves when they are ''needing space''. a tool we are all acquainted with. there is no shame in people just stepping aside and going out to sit on the swings alone.

saturday eve

we gather at the ranch for some activities.

after a sweaty, enjoyable game of prisoners base with glowsticks, we gather around for a chinese lantern lift off.

at the end of that, the ones that had been with eddie rose, gather around the last two lanterns and sharpie lil notes on them.

''do you and ms shar want to light them?'' the question is handed out with two lighters.

i nod. and take a lighter. some reason that means a lot.

we stand in the hayfield

arms around each other.

mr todd starts the crowd singing

'theres a rainbow over my head'

a song we sang at a drill team three years ago.

multiple people to a lantern, holding it up.

we light it. and wait for the lantern to fill...

i stand, holding the rim of the lantern, and all i can think of is

''somehow this feels like we are letting go of her.''

then

the lanterns are tugging upward, asking us to let go

we open our fingers and release.

from earth,

we watch the light gracefully float up.

the hugs are close

the hearts ache

the moon is peaking to full potential

the crowd keeps on singing memory songs

i keep looking up into the starry sky

i ask for a shooting star

and spot none

its okay. she's ok. i know.

a whole lot of tears and love

back at home that night, tiff and i are texting and all i can say to sum it up is

my heart is so full.

sunday morning

we gather at school again

to have our own service.

songs.

and then a tearjerking sermon

its personal, everyone can relate to it.

this all just makes it feel like Jesus is real close.

memories follow

and abundance of laughter.

♡

following our some words snagged off sam's blog

cuz they just describe it all accurately

''in spite of some of us having never met each other

we have one thing in common that connects us all:

the ranch.

And as one soul put it 

as we were preparing for a game of Prisoners Base by the light of glowstick bracelets

and a gorgeous moon,

"This is going to be chaos. But that's what we do at the ranch."

We appreciate chaos, when things get messy,

because that's when healing can happen. 

Even if the chaos isn't always enjoyable

like the memories that were shared 

of getting lost on trail rides (it's happened more than once)

or nearly getting swept down a river that was supposed to be canoe-able.

A lot has happened in the last nine years.

To get a picture of where we all fit in 

we lined up in chronological order;

board members, ranchers, volunteers, mentors and all others who have been involved

while Mr. Todd gives us the condensed version of the story of the ranch.

The line stretches almost half-way around the gym

and not nearly everybody is here.

And I've been asked: is the ranch successful?

That’s a good question.

What do you call success?

'Mom Lora' has a house full of visiting former ranch kids

(And Ms. Sharla probably does too)

that still have a great connection with her.

Is that success? ''

♡

the weekend was bittersweet.

so much love and grief and memories and laughter.

the reality of the ranch shutting down, its still raw.

the people all coming together shows how much of an impact this place has had.

this place. has made friends into family and family into friends.

this place is a safe spot for so many

this place may soon be history but it will still live on in each one of us.

Heaven is fuller because of this place.

no one really knows yet what will all happen with the ranch's future. if you have questions, that's so understandable. but i think we need prayers more than questions.

.

homestay is currently occurring.

its already half done. its been good.

i wanted to swim and sleep these two weeks. well neither one seems to be happening much. which is okay. cuz there is much better things to be doing:)

there is youth.

there is shopping.

there is evening campfires.

this morning we authorities gathered at the ranch to plan Family Day. and then we went out for lunch together.

one evening was a moonlight ride.

there is list making. talks with the house ma. another cup of coffee.

there is planning for a bridal shower for a gentry youth girl.

one night we authorities loaded up in the chariot and headed to pryor for a supper at mr. doyles'. it was a feast of wings and ribs.

monday is a day at silverdollar city.

tuesday is gonna be pickleball and waffle house with the youth girls.

this life just makes me smile.

i wish i had the words to tie this all up. its now dark and the noise of the cicadas are saturating the air and the wind has gone to sleep and i sit on the deck still and fumble over words.

i'm grateful

broken hearts grow back bigger.