by faith, not by sight

I see funeral flowers hung up drying around my room

resembling my own heart,

strung out, to dry out.

I see sympathy cards.

never ever did I imagine

receiving sympathy cards

in the mail at this age.

they are love-filled.

I see sleeping meds

on the nightstand.

I look into the sky

cuz I think that might help

but all I see is how far away

it all seems.

So looking up there doesn’t help

not now anyways.

When I see

wildflowers

walmart

hoodies

horses,

I feel her

a tad

closer.

I see the horrificness of loss.

my brain cannot keep much together and its a vicious battle just to live a normal life where there are normal things to do. I sense a fog in my brain that's so dense it wonders about swallowing up all light, but if I squint real hard and choose to see light,

I can see lil slits of light.

somedays.

I hear conversations

I would never ever ever thought to be having.

conversations on how to use her money.

conversations on her staying 23 years old, forever.

conversations on the death certificate from the hospital and how I need to have that to get into her phone at the phone place.

I hear her talked about in past tense, all the time.

I hear sadness in voice notes

and sobs.

I hear heaven songs.

I just want to scream.

she was just starting to really live.

she had so much more to give us here.

she had a way with hurting souls,

for she was no stranger to pain,

and she could remind any wounded soul

their wounds weren't unqualified

for grace.

she knew grace. she lived grace. she left touches of grace everywhere.

grace was her favorite word, she dropped it into every writing, into convo, into texts, all the time.

eddie was grace.

I don't think

heart connections were created

to be severed like this…

I wonder why God ever thought it was time to take her home, now. It just does not make one speck of sense.

I wonder why there isn't more description in the Bible about Heaven and the waiting places for saints’ souls and all that mysterious stuff? I want to read about where she is, and how that all is…

I'm a child that wants to be held by her Father

and yet she is kicking and screaming in His arms.

she knows her honesty

is safe there.

And on the backpacking trip during the girls’ quiet time, I take a sheet of paper and pen and sit against a tree stump and scribble out all my anger to God. In caps. And it's not pretty one bit. Then I feel the anger.

When I'm ready, I tell God I'm willing to let it go. I open my palms and pray a prayer of release.

I crumble up the letter and stuff it into the fire pit under sticks and leaves.

Then I go to Ms. Tiff’s tent to ask her what's next on the agenda. But she looks me in the eyes and says some words that bring on tears so I cry in her arms and I tell her a story of eddie and how one time on a camping trip she slept IN THE GRASS. IN TEXAS. IN SUMMER. and I was absolutely certain she was gonna get bit by a rattlesnake in the night so I went stood over her laying on the ground and dramatically explained my worries to her and she just calmly looks at me with that smile that only eddie had, and was like “nah, I’ll be fine.” And in the morning I scrambled out of my tent to see if she was still alive and sure enough, alive as ever, there she stood. she had quite much enjoyed her night under the stars.

that heart of hers - its still in my heart. and she was a survivor of much pain. so perhaps I can be a survivor of the pain of her death. but I need her to walk me through this time, and maybe she is, in a mysterious heavenly spirit way. death cannot steal the love I have for her still, or the deep impressions she forever left on my heart. she is still my heart sister.

the other morning of the backpacking trip, this song came to my head so I scribbled it to the back of my hand with sharpie for the trip. it has been keeping my thoughts company ever since.

''..I don't need to question if its in Your plans, I don't need to understand... Lord, I trust You when there is not light ahead. Lord I believe You in the words You have said...''

by faith, not by sight....