earthly perspective

So I had a lil moment

down at the end of the driveway

while sitting on the grass,

and tears easily spilled.

and while many a jeep passed by.

and it all just jabbed a little deeper.

I can feel like this all is so bloody unfair. I can feel like being this tore up about it somehow makes me an unfaithful Christian. I can feel so disappointed that God took her that fast, without any time for me to say bye to her. I can be mad at God for taking her and yet every time I think of being mad at Him, I just melt in front of Him, cuz I remember the insightful message of one text I received the other day, ''there was an army of prayer warriors requesting prayers of healing for her, and yet, God still decided to take her anyway, so He must have had a specific reason to take her.''

This night, it seemed like God was telling me,

"I understand your heartache. I expect you to be tore up about this."

That just hit me differently.

He knows all to well what parting with a loved one is like.

He also knows I am human and I still see this all from a very earthly perspective.

Like one mom reminded me - eddie rose was always God's. He has full permission to have her Home with Him. And that sounds weird saying God has permission cuz of course He does. yet that wording does help this fragile brain comprehend it.

and after that lil moment in the grass, I just sense Him closer. And that's all cuz I surrendered a deeper level than before. He always has been here. My eyes of my heart are just open a bit more now.

I feel like this is gonna deeply refine my perspective of God.

I feel like this is going to change everything. and I resist that cuz I would do anything to have back the life I had a month ago. and yet people tell me she would not want to come back. and I suppose they are right but do you know how much I want eddie rose back? I want to scream with panic that she never will be back. and also that feels like utter betrayal that she would not want to come back...

and yet if i think rationally about it... I don't want her to feel the weight of this world again. I do want her free. and that all reminds me of that prayer I scribbled down a lil over a month ago, ''heal eddie in all the ways You desire...''

and God answered that prayer...

but ug. not the way I expected...

I really don't feel angry, maybe the anger will come yet, or maybe I'm not being honest enough with myself yet. I truly feel this underlining sense of peace in me, a type of peace that I can't explain. I simply know I have to be carried through this, for I have nothing of myself to withstand this. I'm more just walking around with this astronomical, gaping, raw hole in the center of my chest and I don't know what to do with myself. 

I just miss her.

This is gonna be a journey that I doubt will ever end. And thats ok. cuz eddie rose is worth all this grief. I love her fiercely and my grief will be a reflection of that.

so I will pull up my boots and keep plugging through these trenches of grief... headed Home.