I feel like a horrible teacher.
I'm struggling with accepting that when you teach a child it's constantly a humbling experience cuz I, the teacher, mess up so, so much.
I'm struggling with grace. Receiving it, giving it, understanding it…
I know I need to believe in them. I know connection needs to be in correction and yet I struggle keeping my big emotions in check while I’m correcting some behaviour that in my head I'm just like, ‘’come on, use your brain!’’ I know I'm teaching little humans who truly are just learning how to be humans in this big ol' scary world. I know they are normal children. I know I’m just as much of a student as they are. I know we are all learning, for none of us have sat in these "desks" before.
The responsibility of teaching other people's children for six hours, five days a week, is downright terrifying. Technically we kinda are child training… and I know how I handle situations is so different from the parents. I don't know how to be a teacher. Mom says parents don't know how to be parents. They just do it. That's comforting.
I'm struggling with letting them struggle. We all need to struggle in order to grow and yet seeing them struggle is hard on me. I want to swoop in and tell them the division answer. And yet I know rescuing them is hindering them, not helping.
I’m struggling knowing how picky a teacher is to be with bargy-ness, recess drama, and boogers being eaten.
People tell me I need to be stricter. People tell me I am too strict. I don't know anymore what to believe. I'm confused. I'm frustrated. I'm learning.
Yet, here I lay at half past 10 in the evening, and I can't sleep because all I can think about is my students. I want them to succeed. I want their futures to be joy-FULL. I want them to be humbly confident. I want to enthusiastically identify their personal talents and then wildly encourage them. I want them to know my heart cannot stand the thought of hugging them possibly goodbye in a couple short months. I want them to know I want to stay connected to them all their life. I want them to know I will always be in the game, cheering them on to do the next right thing. I want them to feel loved. I want them to know I cherish their daily hugs so much more than they will ever know. I want them to know that whenever I see them outside of school life, I feel like I'm seeing a part of my heart walk around.
I want to just at least be a good teacher.
But I feel like the farthest thing from a good teacher. I feel like I’ve failed so much that I just don't feel worthy to be their teacher.
I don’t know how this sounds on a screen. In my head, it's big. Teaching is a whopping responsibility, I want to give it all I got. It's a big deal to my heart.
I don't know how to end this heart dump.
Maybe what I'm getting at is, if you are a teacher right now who is struggling and you love those lil humans so deeply and you feel like a wobbling mess most days at 3:30, I understand.
(Truthfully, I love my job. I just don't always know how to do my job and that can lead to frustration and messiness.
And growth!)
Yes, Jera! Exactly!