the night she went to Jesus

The night she died…

That Sunday I had been on duty actually, taking a spot for Ms. tiff who brought a ranch girl to a family wedding. After lunch at Mr. Doug's, we head back to the ranch. I look at my phone and I realize I could not message off it anymore for the screen was rapidly deteriorating, but I do see one message from Ms. shar ‘’What's going on with Eddie?’’

I have no idea. I know I had not messaged her for a couple days, and last I talked to her I knew she was still sick but I had no idea how bad it had gotten the last few days. 

Back at the ranch, I quickly log into my watsapp on my laptop. Ms shar sends me screenshots of messages she has received. My eyes attempt to read the words but my heart is beating faster and faster and im loosing focus on what actually is being said. All I comprehend is that eddie has really bad pneumonia and she has been intubated and is in the hospital in Garden City. 

Panic grips me. 

Crying, I dial mom. I don't know what to do with myself. I pace around. I sit down and read more messages I'm getting. People suddenly from all over are messaging me with updates. I don't know how to comprehend this all. One message gives the vibes she’s gonna be ok, the next message after that though informs me it's not looking good. On and on. Back and forth. I decide to go clean my classroom because I need something to get my mind off this. I keep checking my messages every minute. 

Then a rather hopeful message comes in. after reading it, I bawl. I realise how much the hopeful words relieve me. So I agree to do chores with the girls. The whole time during chores, I do what needs to be done but my heart is flopping around in my chest. 

Once chores complete, we come up to the house and I sit on the back porch for a minute. Then, the message pops onto my screen. ‘’She coded. But we got her back.’’ The next message, ‘’pray very very hard.’’

I don't know if there are words to describe this moment. 

Goosebumps burst onto my skin. Shock jabs my heart. A tingling emotion ripples through me. I feel like the air has been knocked right out of me. I gasp, covering my mouth. ‘’what?’’ I feasibly whisper. I start shaking and tears come rapidly. 

I walk inside to find ms. sam. ‘’Girl, it's not ok. She coded but they got her back but Im really scared.’’ I lean on the counter and cry. 

The ranch girls in the living room look on with wide eyes. Up to this point they didn't know what was happening. I walk into the living room, sit down, and look into their faces. I stumble over my words as hiccups of tears throb my voice. ‘’You remember eddie? She is not ok. She's really sick. She might not make it. We need to pray really hard.’’ 

‘’Eddie?! No, not eddie.’’ I hear one girl say. 

I walk back into the kitchen and ms. Sam and I make a plan. I need to go back to mr. Dannys. I can't stay here like this. Mr. Dougs are called to come to the ranch for the evening. 

I gather my stuff and once they arrive, I walk outside to the cement pad and Mr. Doug wraps me up in a big bear hug while I sob. ‘’I'm just so scared.’’’

‘’I no.’’

We discuss Eddie a bit.

I drive off and the whole ride home I bawl and scream at God. I BEG Him to please heal her, let her live.

I get home and Ms Trula meets me at the door with a hug. ‘’You ok?’’

‘’No’’ I shake my head and break into sobs again. 

‘’Lets go sit down.’’ 

We sit on the back porch. I curl up in a ball and sob. She talks with me. 

All I can think is, ‘’I can't live without eddie. I can’t. There's no way. She has to live. C’mon God, save her.’’ 

Ms Trula tells me, ‘’Jera, you need to give it up to God.’’ She sees my panic and knows God is the only thing right now to lean on. ‘’Eddie would want you to give her to God. She would want you to pray, not freak out.’’ 

I know she's right. But I physically don't think I can. This is eddie we are talking about - this is my heart sister. This is the girl who I love like she's my actual family. This is the girl I lived with for 6 months and we did life together, side by side. This just can't be happening. 

And the messages keep on coming…

We listen to Gentry church. I sit quietly for a good long time. And I just stare outside. A million thoughts and yet nothing is running through my head at the same time. 

Ms Trula keeps encouraging me to give it up to God. ‘’You need to come to some sort of acceptance, she may not make it.’’ 

I finally decide to go on a walk. I walk down the driveway and holler my panic and aching heart out to God. I beg God. Again and again. 

And then finally I'm so weak I just sit down and cry. 

And despite every ounce of me not wanting to, I surrender to God. Its a battle of my will. And yet I KNOW I need to surrender. So I die to self and physically make myself voice the words, ‘’God, you can have her, but I really still want her, please don't take her home, but if you do, then I guess…..’’ I trail off, not wanting to even comprehend that path… ‘’I don't know WHAT to do with this….’’ 

I cry more, realising I just have accepted the reality that Eddie may die. 

I sit on a log and stare at the sky. I attempt to pray more, yet words seem so unqualified for this moment. My heart is breaking.

I come inside, and piddle paddle around. Kenny and Bre are still arriving tonight to come see me. I hover over my whatsapp like a hawk. I keep reminding myself to keep laying it at Jesus’s feet. Mentally, I’m not freaking out like I had been before. I feel calmer. 

Once kenny and bre arrive, and they are settled in for the night, I head upstairs for bed. I get a message from Ms. Shar saying she just talked to Nancy and Nancy had said Eddie looked better than she had all day. She was peacefully resting and her numbers were looking good. She also said she thought when Eddie had coded that probably was a turning point for the better. The doctors and nurses were hopeful. They have her in a medically induced coma and since she coded they are cooling off her body to reduce the risk of brain damage. For the next 24 hours, they are just gonna let things be… however it's still critical.

Since my phone has given up the ghost by this point, I'm still messaging off my laptop and so I go to bed, with my laptop beside me, plugged in and open. Things are looking up. I swallow melatonin and with a prayer on my heart, fall asleep. 

At 2:30, I distantly hear ringing. Then, I jolt awake. I grab my laptop, for the ringing is coming from there. I blink and blink. And my heart starts beating rapidly when I see the name on the screen. 

Savannah. Savannah is calling me. 

My gut knew immediately what this meant. 

Nooooooo. 

Without hesitancy, I click to answer.

‘’Hey jera. She coded again, they got her back enough, thats shes still alive, but its not looking good.’’

A million goose bumps ripple over my skin again. I gasp. And gasp again. I feel the tightening in my chest. My hand grabs my chest, and I feel my heart hitting against my ribs. 

‘’Really?’’ is all I can muster out.

‘’Yeah, they are gathering around to say bye to her now.’’ 

NO. NO. NO. THIS CANNOT BE REAL. 

‘’Girl. I can’t believe this.’’

‘’Me neither.’’

Savannah is crying and I just am in shock, staring at my screen, and trying my best to comprehend this and yet nothing, absolutely nothing wants to comprehend what I'm hearing. 

‘’Ok. Thanks so much for calling me.’’ 

And we end the call. 

I know what I need to do.

I know I need to give her up because I know if I dont I will probably go mentally crazy. I know that I need to physically voice it. 

I sit on my bed cross legged. I slowly open my palms up. And with a shaky, groggy voice, I say words that I never ever imagined I would say at 22 years old. 

‘’God, you can have her.’’

I keep sitting there, with my hands open, trying to breathe, and realising my body is shaking uncontrollably. And I repeat it, ‘’God, you can have her.’’

An acceptance that I can't describe slowly settles into the grounds of my heart. I'm still shaking but I know I just made peace with the fact that Eddie Rose was on her way off this earth. 

I try to calm my whirling thoughts by asking myself, ‘’Okay what do I do now? Do I wake up ms trula? O God, what do I DO?’’

I message ms shar. ‘’She leaving us.’’ Then I grab my laptop and head down the stairs. I knock on the master suit doors. No answer. I call out. And I knock again. This feels so wrong to be knocking on someone’s door at 2:45 in the morning. 

I pace the floor. 

Then ms trula slowly opens the door and I rattle off words, ‘’She's dying. She coded again and they got her back enough that they are all saying bye to her, right now. Ms Trula. I can't believe this. She is actually dying.’’

She wraps her arms around me. ‘’Oh my…’’

Ms trula calmly sits on the couch with me, laptop between us, and I shake. Watsapp is open, and we are just waiting for messages from savannah. 

One message comes. ‘’They have said their byes. They are just waiting beside her.’’

Nausea is flooding my stomach and I try to keep breathing. 

Another message comes. ‘’She's not gone yet.’’

My mind is whirling. ‘’Maybe, maybe, maybe there is hope, yet.’’ Then I think rationally. ‘’No there isn’t. She's really truly dying.’’

And we wait. For about 10 minutes. We just sit on that couch and fitfully grasp with reality, waiting for the fateful message. 

Then it pops onto the screen.

‘’She's in heaven.’’

I stare. I moan. I grab my mouth. 

Ms Trula and I both read the message out loud. 

‘’Oh God. Oh God.’’ is all I can say. 

Ms Trula grabs my hands. ‘’We need to pray.’’

And so we bow our heads and she prays out loud and I just keep shaking. 

My heart has just been ransacked, leaving only an astronomical hole in the center of it. I cant cry. I cant stand up. I just sit there, staring at the screen, wishing this all was the worst nightmare of my life. 

‘’She's gone. She's really gone. My dearest eddie rose is with Jesus now’’ is all I can think. 

“I need to call mom.”

I dial my home phone. Im calling home, to talk to mom, to tell her, my sister is dead. She doesn't answer but then a minute later she calls back. Her groggy, anxious voice is on the other line. ‘’jera…’’

‘’Mom!’’ I breathe. ‘’She's with Jesus.’’ 

‘’What? Eddie died?’’

‘’Ya…’’ 

‘’Oh jera!’’ her voice cracks. I know my mom is bearing this heartache about as deep as I am. 

Ms Trula wakes up Mr Danny and we sit together there in the dark living room. 

Then Mr Danny has a prayer. 

‘’You gonna be ok?’’ Ms Trula asks as she bends down to hug me.

‘’No. But you can go to bed.

‘’K. You can stay here on the couch.’’

And I just stay on the couch, still shaking. I’m in shock. The ache I feel is not even explainable. I simply sit and stare into the darkness, physically and emotionally. How can this be? 

A few of the close friends to her who are also awake, pop messages onto my screen and we share words of heartache. But there isn't much to say...

I keep thinking of Eddie with Jesus. I keep thinking what it is like right now for her... I wonder how death works and if she can see me grieving... I keep thinking about how insanely happy she must be for she is actually with Jesus, a dream she always had. Her deepest desires are fulfilled and here on the couch, I am so empty.

Finally I lay down on the couch, half wanting to sleep and half not wanting to for I think of the agony of waking up and then realizing this was all real. I lay there for hours. I keep praying, ‘’Oh God.’’ that's all. I can’t even cry.

Then at 7 or so in the morning, I feel ms trula put her hand on my face. And bam. Thats when the dam broke. Suddenly all the emotion I had been carrying for the last couple hours broke. And I start weeping. 

I get up and stumble up to my room and flop on my bed and sob. After a while I get up and go for a shower but the whole time I am still shaking and weeping. I can hardly stand.

Chad calls me and I sit in the sun room and hear his voice of comfort. When I walk inside, Kenny and Bre are up and they wrap me in hugs. 

I can't eat. 

Ms shar texts she’s coming over. I sit outside waiting for her.

We cry and cry together. 

‘’What are we gonna do?’’

‘’I don't knooowwww…’’

Our girl is now an angel. 

…

For clarity- she went septic, that's what actually took her in the end. 

…

I write this cuz it helps me cope. and share this, not for attention or pity, but because when people have been honest about their hard, I have found it helpful in my own life. I want to share the raw of life, for then there is less shame for others, for we all at some point experience life at its rarest form. 

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truly love your people.

for one day God will need them back <3