unbridled

I sleep in on the day off duty

and when I do wake

I sit with coffee and convo

and munch grapes.

I drive to town

I spot a new mexico license plate

I park by a black jeep

and smile when

I see it has been recently "ducked”.

eddie would like that

I walk into my favorite cafe

and the screech of screen door

slams familiarity.

there

I sit for hours

reading,

collecting the wits and the heart,

letting them spill into ink.

later on

we gather around a supper table

with friends

dishing out food as well as stories.

and then smores follow.

we sit on living room rug

and hear real life comedy.

-

the sermon is on

dreams

I muddle through thoughts

“What are your dreams?”

house mama asks me.

I pause.

That's a healing question…

I list off 3.

I hesitantly, hopefully realise it's okay

maybe

to dream

again

for I still am on this earth…

then God still has dreams

for me on this earth…

act on your dreams.

hold them loosely.

-

at playday,

I'm settled in a lawn chair

beside the school

and older gentlemen

stands beside me

and convo bobs between us

“are you happy?” he asks

“what is happiness?”

“what would you need right now to be happy?” he asks.

the convo leaves me

deep in thought.

-

Heaven is mentioned

in evening church

and in the pews

the tears to well up

for the very mention of Heaven

is all it takes.

-

its a lil past 7 on a thursday morning

i wake up and stand out in the rain,

hot coffee cupped in my hands.

as mary oliver would say,

its a fresh morning in a broken world.

-

I drive home from the ranch

dirty chore clothes

dead laptop

empty water bottle.

full heart.

-

I truly feel eddie

with me

everyday.

it's just this feeling

that resides deep within me.

its hard to describe.

I just know I have her spirit with me.

I pray it never leaves.

I sit outside after youth

and stare into the dark sky.

I ask that I can have a dream

of eddie

I wonder out loud

if she can know us still,

see her loved ones on this earth still…

that night i dream

of her.

we are on video call, like normal,

she is showing me the sunset,

we are yacking a blue streak, like normal.

and on the phone, i'm giddy, cuz in my head i'm thinking

‘’hey, you can still hear me! this is so awesome. its like normal.’’

and then i wake up.

and remember she is dead.

but wait, what if…

that's confirmation she can still see her loved ones on this earth…

a mystery.

reading her writings

is comfort

injected with torture.

I hear the thought

that all the prayers eddie prayed on this earth

are still in effect.

we are still benefiting from the prayers she prayed.

thank you for that hun.

-

gratitude

it just looks a whole lot different than it used to.

it's deeper. it's based on God's character. not on my circumstances.

i used to think gratitude was assuredly dodging the mud puddles and it was constricted to listing off all the joy moments and keeping a smile smothered across the sun kissed face. now, i think gratitude is more like sitting in the mud and being able to feel the warmth of sunshine while also feeling the stickiness of mud at the same time. and perhaps acceptance plays a role in this all too...

when we loose things on this earth, its just a chance to get more heaven in our hearts.

i see gratitude as a heart posture. something that infuses a heart with quiet strength. something extremely vital. for me, gratitude is no longer just the 'daily list of 10' idea anymore. gratitude is touches from our Abba. its His handprint in the daily life, and the more you notice those handprints on everything, the more meaningful and survivable this all becomes.

there is a unbridled grief in a unbridled presence of God.