The Time We Say Goodbye

A six year old’s espresso brown eyes pear into mine as she asks me this question, ‘’What’s the world called that you’re going to?’’

A smile rapidly forms on my lips and I look back into her eyes. ‘’It’s called Arkansas.’’ I reply.

‘’Oh I see.’’

‘’Mhmm.’’

‘’Well what if you stay here for 105 days and only go there for ten days?’’

My smile widens and reached for her two soft hands and placed them in my own.

‘’Sunshine, I can't. I have to go there for a long time. But I promise I’ll be back. Ok?’’

‘’Ok. You promise?’’

‘’Yes dear, I promise’’

I bend down and pull her slender frame to my chest as we embrace in a tight hug. ‘’I love you!’’ I whisper.

‘’I love you to!’’

‘’God how can I ever leave these children?’’ I ask out loud as I drive home. While working at daycare, I have had the privledge of getting to know people I would never would had the opportunity before. I'm really grateful for that. Knowing I won’t be able to hug these dear daycare kids for a year, yanks at my heart strings. I love these children. I love their hearts. I love my job.

And yet I know God is closing that chapter in my life. He is flipping the page and I stare at the blank paper.

It's difficult to leave home. The life I have known for nineteen years is coming to a close. As I reflect on how tough it is to say bye, I once again realize how insanely, deeply, and competely blessed I am.

Ahead of me lies an unknown future.

And I lie in bed at night and pray. I pray for strength. I pray for wisdom. And I pray for humble heart.

During these past weeks, I recognize how incredibly weak I truly am. I realize how much my strength comes from God. Without Him holding my trembling, sweaty hand, there is legit no way I could face this next chapter of my life.

This morning as I was packing my bags, I sat on my bedroom floor and stared at my open faced, bulging suitcase and all the stuff that needed to be squished in yet. ‘’What am I doing?’’ I wondered aloud. I feel exceptionally young and naive.

I have no idea what I’m getting myself into.

I have no idea what life is going to look like in a year from now.

I have no idea what God is all going to do with my heart.

Since when did I all at once become big enough to leave home?

Since when is my childhood over?

Since when am I all at once doing adult things?

I’m still a kid at heart. I really am.

Yesterday my post office lady friend and I were having a chat. I was telling her how I felt. Her response, ‘’Always keep that kid side of your heart, just add maturity to your heart also.’’ And I love that way of thinking of it.

While I’m at Raising Hope Ranch, I have no idea how much I will blog. I know it won’t be much. But if I ever get the permission to connect to the internet for a little while and upload a blog post, I absolutely will!

Dear ones, you all take care.

I greatly apprecaite each one of you taking your time to read my blog. Thank you!!!!

Please remember you are truly needed on this earth!!!

Peace out✌️

how lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard. - Winnie the Pooh